I have been trying to come up with the right words for how I feel today and honestly, I can’t. I am not sad. But I am not overly joyful either.
One year ago today, my mom, Leona Marie Schneider, died.
The past year has had its ups and downs. I have been sad. I have been mad. I have felt lonely. I have been depressed. I have been angry.
But, I have also been happy. Truly, I have.
Several months ago, I had a complete and utter melt down. It was on a Saturday night and I could have had a glass or two of wine, which probably didn’t help. I am not sure exactly what started it, maybe a song I heard or something.
I had been feeling sad and depressed all day. I was really missing my mom and dad, who also died last year (July 3). Al and I were about to eat; he made BBQ ribs. I started eating and then, for some strange reason, there was a huge lump in my throat and the flood gates just opened and they opened wide. I cried. Hard. Sobbed really. It was the hardest sobbing I have ever done in life. It was worse than when I sobbed at both of their funerals. That night, it was the most broken my heart had ever felt.
Seriously, I was wailing. It was awful. Painful. And it lasted for what seemed like hours. It was uncontrollable. I was inconsolable. I think the realization that I had lost both of my parents really sunk in. I felt so bad for my husband.
Al just sat right next to me, rubbing my back, handing me Puffs Plus, telling me it was going to be okay. I am not sure what I would have done if he hadn’t been there. But he was there for me and, he just let me do what I needed to do.
Eventually, the tears stopped.
And when my tears dried up, it left me feeling free. It was bizarre. It seriously felt like this huge weight had been lifted from me. It was like the burden of grieving had been taken from me. It was so weird. But, I felt so much better. I wish I could explain it better. It was seriously strange.
I think about my mom, and of course, my dad, every single day. I visit their grave often; sometimes I just drive by, while other times, I sit down either on the ground or on their bench and have a chat. It calms me. It heals me. And most often, since that tear-filled terrible sobbing session, it actually makes my heart happy. I feel at peace when I visit them.
And also after that sobbing session, I made the decision put all things that hurt my heart out of sight. I made a “shrine” of sorts in one of our spare rooms in the basement. If need be I will go in that room for a visit, but now, it doesn’t make me feel sad. Again, it calms me, just like their grave.
Looking at pictures now doesn’t hurt my heart like it did before. Pictures now make me smile because I am finally at a place where I can remember all the good times I had with my parents. Will this feeling last? Doubtful. But for now, I like it. I love that looking at pictures or talking about them doesn’t make me hurt as much any more. I love that I can smile and feel joy again in my heart.
I miss my mom so much, but it doesn’t hurt as much anymore. I still can’t believe she’s been gone a full year. It feels so much longer. She was such a beautiful person. I loved her so much. Still do.
And even though I miss her like crazy, I am happy my heart is on the mend.
This morning, I sat in the room. I lit the candle we got from the funeral home and just sat, remembering all the good times, remembering my mom and the love she had for everyone. I remembered her beautiful smile and sparkly eyes. It didn’t make me sad. It didn’t hurt like it once did. It was peaceful and calming.
I love you mom and you will forever live in my heart.