Hi, my name is Celeste Edenloff and first off (as the tears began to form), I am a bawl baby.
Second, I lost (the tears were flowing free now) my mom in March (chest hurt, tears were harder, words kind of got mumbled and my nose started to run) and I lost my dad in July. And, I am NOT okay.
I was the youngest person in the room, by at least 10 years if not more. There were only 11 of us, plus the facilitator. I felt awkward…at first.
It was my very first grief support meeting. I didn’t want to be there. I didn’t want to admit I needed help. And I almost chickened out at the last minute.
But, I’ve known for a couple of months now that I am probably going to need more than just the amazing support I receive from my husband and friends to get through the loss of my parents. I feel stupid that I am still feeling so damn sad and am still so friggin’ emotional. I feel like I am supposed to be “over it” by now. I hate that I cry and that I still cry so hard sometimes. I despise that my heart still feels like it is shattered. I want to feel better.
I feel like I am becoming the person I used to be – the one who didn’t take care of herself, ate whatever the hell she wanted and was 60 pounds overweight. And even though I can’t stand that feeling, of my skin stretching and getting tighter and the fabric of my clothes busting at the seams, I don’t have it in me to change right now. I have the “I don’t cares” and I don’t know how to get rid of them. I don’t know how to get myself back. I am lost and it feels too hard to try and navigate my way back.
There are just so many different emotions. ALL. THE. TIME.
The above sheet was handed out at the grief support group and you wouldn’t believe how many boxes I checked. Yes, I took a clean one just so I could take a picture of it because I knew I needed to blog after the meeting. If you are grieving right now, take a look at this sheet. How many can you relate to. There were some, I have to admit, I didn’t want to relate to, but I knew I did. There were some I wish I could relate to and I will relate to, someday.
We have an employee assistance program at work that offers counseling, including grief counseling, and I have been on the website with my mouse/cursor over the “request appointment” button a couple of different times. But, I have yet to schedule one. I know I will. I actually went to the grief support meeting today, so that’s a step in the right direction. Right?
I heard some incredible stories at that meeting. My heart broke for those around me. I was sad, but comforted. I so understood their feelings. I related to what they were saying, what they were feeling. It made me feel normal. Better almost. I wanted to give them all a hug afterward. It was no longer awkward being there. It didn’t matter that I was the youngest one there. We all had something in common. Our hearts hurt because we lost a love one – or two.
I know it is going to take more than just one meeting. I wish it didn’t. But, I do plan to go to the next one. I guess I did make a promise to the lady I was talking to as we were walking out to our cars.
She said, “Are you going to be at the next one?
“I think I am,” I told her.
She said, “I will, if you will.” (It was also her first meeting.)
“Okay. I will. I promise,” I stated.
And with smiles on our faces, and redness still in our eyes, we wished each other a good day and walked to our cars.
And tomorrow, I think I will either hit that “request appointment” icon or maybe just make the phone call. I know I need to.