As I was washing my hands at the bathroom sink after I got home from work today, I crumbled to the floor as my emotions got the better of me. I couldn’t stop the tears anymore. They gushed out of me like water over a waterfall. I had a brief moment this morning as I was getting ready for work that I lost it as well, but pulled myself together with the help of my husband who quickly changed the subject for me.
I want my mom. The mom who is free from Dementia and doesn’t think she’s going to Mars. The one who even though we didn’t get along when I was teenager could still make everything better with a hug and I love you.
I want my dad. The dad who remembers me, his daughter and the who makes the best pot of oatmeal a girl could ever eat.
I want my sister. The sister who taught me how to shop like a trooper. The one who was always there for me when I needed her.
I want my mother-in-law. The second mom who I barely got to know, whose smile lit up a room when she walked in. The one who loved her children (including her daughter-in-laws) and grandchildren (including the step grandson) so much she would do anything for them. The one who had the most beautiful Christmas tree.
I want my father-in-law. The second dad who I also barely got to know, but was a man who loved the Minnesota Twins and smoking his pipe. The dad who could sing the cutest of songs and whistle you just about any tune.
I want my family to get together for Christmas and have fun like we used to.
I just want normal.
As I sat there, trying hard to stop the tears, I couldn’t. Instead, I let it all out. I let it buck. I had myself a good ol’ fashioned pity party. And for a moment, I didn’t care. I needed to get it out.
I don’t have cancer. My life may not be normal and at times, it outright sucks dealing with aging parents, but I am not fighting for my life. I have a life.
I still have my parents. Physically, they are still here. Yes, mentally, they are gone, but THEY are still here.
I thought about my nephew, Chris, who no longer has his mother, my sister. He lost his mom. His son doesn’t get to know his grandma. She died. From breast cancer.
I thought about my sister-in-law, Vicki, who no longer has her mother, my mother-in-law. I thought about my husband. I thought about my brother-in-law, Lee.
I thought about my sister-in-law, Loray, who no longer has her parents. I thought about sister-in-law Shirley, who no longer has her parents. And my brother-in-law, Elroy, his parents are gone, too. And so are my sister-in-law, Kim’s. Her mom and dad are gone. And there are SO MANY more people who have lost loved ones – parents, siblings, daughters, sons, grandparents, cousins, aunts, uncles and the list goes on.
I decided to pick myself up, dust myself off (I had to, my floor was really dusty!), wipe the tears and be thankful. It’s time to stop the pity party train and move on. Be thankful. Thankful for everything – and EVERYONE – I still have in my life.
Thanks, Carla Wheeler, for putting things into perspective for me. Keep fighting the good fight. You’re battle is just beginning, but your journey isn’t over. Stay positive, my friend, stay positive.