I feel like a failure

Okay, this is so hard for me, but I know it is something I have to write about. I have always been nothing but open and honest in this blog and I’m not about to stop now. Although, honestly, right now, I wish I wasn’t so open and honest. But I am and so here goes nothing.

If you’ve seen me lately, you’ve probably noticed something different. Yep, it happened. I let it happen and I have so many feelings about it. Angry. Mad. Embarassed. Sad. Disgusted. Embarassed. Pissed off. Irritated. Embarassed.

scale

I am at the heaviest weight I have been in probably seven years. I topped over 160 pounds, although this weekend, I was back down – FINALLY – to at least 155. I am used to being 145 or under, although I have maintained 149 pounds for nearly three years.

And I know, I know, I know………it’s NOT that bad. BUT…..that is what YOU think. NOT, how I feel. I truly feel ashamed and embarrassed, AND I am really irritated with myself. But, I have no one to blame but me. I did this. I let it happen. I ate all the cookies, the cupcakes, the ice cream, the candy bars, the twelve helpings of this and six helpings of that. I stuffed myself. I became the closet eater I once was. Or, in my case, the “sit in my car by myself where no one can see me” eater.

Yes. I once again became the person I said I would never be. Ever. Again.

So let’s back up, to late March/early April, when my life kind of fell apart. As many of you know, or those who follow me know, my dad was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s and my mom was diagnosed with Dementia. My dad’s diagnosis came before my mom’s, by about a year. He was doing okay. My mom was doing great. Then, tables turned and my mom plummeted down the Dementia hole and my life as a I knew was no more. Even though I tried to make it seem like it wasn’t that big of deal… well, okay, wait, maybe I DID make it seem like a big deal, but it honestly ate at me way worse than most people know.

And you know what I did about it? I ate. A LOT. A WHOLE frigging lot. Nothing was really noticeable at first, but then…..WHAM…..BAM…….the weight gain was there. My clothes were/are tight. I started feeling like crap. I got a piss-poor attitude. I started calling myself fat. Still do. And seriously, the last few months have been hell on my husband. I feel so bad for him. Truly, I do. And he tries so hard to make me feel good and I just shoot him down. But that’s what the weight gain did. It turned me into the bitter, sad, crabby, poor attitude person I used to be.

BUT…….I AM DONE!

It’s time to…

buck-up

make-things-happen

and

keep-moving-forward-2

As cliché as it sounds, today is a new day. Tomorrow is a new day. The day after that is a new day. And the day after that…and so on…and so on…and so on!

I have a new attitude. A new outlook. A new mindset.

AND…..a new look to my blog, by the way. Hope you like it.

I will keep you posted as I continue this journey called life. Thanks for following along. You all mean the world to me. And I feel so much better putting it all out there.

So, don’t worry…..

i-got-this

 

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16 thoughts on “I feel like a failure

    1. I know that feeling, I’ve been there too, and it’s not a Happy Place😉 However, What happened isn’t so important- its what you do in response to the setback that makes the difference. Setbacks happen, Forgive yourself, limit the damage, move on and get right back track👍🏻. Whether you think you “can”. Or. Think you “can’t” You’re Right. 💥💥. Love yourself, you are a Special person!!

      Liked by 1 person

  1. You are not a failure, you are only human. When we have set backs there is something that we need to learn from them. We need to hear about other peoples set backs so we can see that we are not the only ones that have them thank you so much for your honesty!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m feeling and looking just like you. Crazy!!! I’m blaming mine on the prednisone!!! Is that just an excuse? Don’t know but I do know that the amount of that dumm drug does crazy things to your body and mind. I felt so Hungary all the the time. Now my belly looks like I’m pregnant. Not a pretty site for an old lady. Ok , no more excuses for me !! I’m going to hang this extra weight out to dry!! It sounds like you’ve got this under control now, and I know we will both feel better when we get back,on track. Now, you are the expert at this, and so I’m open to any little tricks you have up your sleeve. Please share them with me.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Thank you so much for your honesty! This came at a perfect time for me– I too am an emotional eater and when I am not feeling well… The eating commences and you know the rest! Today is a new day as well as tomorrow! Love you girl!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Celeste – you describe many of my same feelings & unfortunately habits of late…Emotional eating is me….😞. Yes & reading the above responses the last couple of weeks some of that “zone” drug that causes my appetite to soar! I feel lousy about my self & weight again & it’s tough & holidays are around the corner. I am struggling for control… well it helped to read your blog – it helps to know others struggle with the same emotions & life situations … and have the same issues… thanks for the morning inspiration!!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. You are not a failure! Did you have a setback? Yes, but that does not make you a failure. It’s when you give up completely with no hope of trying again that you fail. Life has thrown some pretty harsh things at you, and it caused a setback. The good thing is you realize it, and are taking steps to correct it. Proud of you! Give Al a hug.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I know exactly how you feel. You’ve been through some big things but no doubt you’ll get back on track & back to that positive, happy Celeste. I know it’s easy to say to others but hard to say to yourself. You have lots of people rooting for you!

    The new design looks great!

    Liked by 1 person

  7. We have all been there in some form or another… Maybe not from a weight standpoint, but from progress in general. Hang in there. If you’ve done it before, you know you can do it again! Only listen to the POSITIVE voices in your mind!

    Liked by 1 person

  8. What did you always tell us??? Today is a new beginning, a new week, a fresh start. Life gets in our way sometimes. Sometimes we get lazy. Sometimes it’s just a super slippery slide…Take today as a victory and move forward…you’re a ROCKSTAR.

    Like

  9. I am amazed by you and have been inspired by you for some 7+ years! You are human and what makes you stronger is that you are fighting back and not letting it go further. Keep us updated as I have loved being a small portion of that journey you have inspired. Thank you for your honesty!

    ❤️ You got this!

    Like

  10. It makes me sad you are feeling so bad about yourself right now. Don’t focus on the weight gain but on getting back on track instead. December is hard with all the tempting treats but choose to treat your body well instead of abusing it with fat and sugar. And everyone still has a month to accomplish their 2016 New Year’s resolution. Take care.

    Like

  11. Celeste, I am sitting right where you are. I regained several pounds last winter, got a few off this spring/summer but never got them all off, and now they are creeping back up. I had hoped to go into the holidays in a better place. But I keep trying!

    Like

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