Struggling…

Warning: This might be a little TMI, a little long and a lot rambling. I apologize ahead of time.

confession time

Ever have those days where you just want to sit down, bury your head in your hands and have a good cry? Yeah, me, too.

And lately, I feel like having one of those days. The sad part, I don’t really even know why.

At least I don’t think I know why.

I’m kind of known as a bawl baby around my house. I can cry at the drop of a hat. Yes, I am the one who cries at Hallmark commercials. I can be in the best of moods and then I sit down to watch television and if someone cries, forget it, it’s all over. I start crying. I am emotional. Plain and simple.

Parenthood - Season 6

My favorite TV show of all time is Parenthood (above – photo courtesy of NBC) I’ve never made it through one show without tearing up. Sometimes, I literally sobbed while watching it. Many of their shows really hit home for me. Toward the end of the series, it kind of got to be a joke. I would try and see if I could make it though an entire episode without one tear. I almost made it through once – but then teared up during the previews for the next week. So close!

My husband and son kind of give me grief for being so emotional and such a crier, but in a funny way, not a mean way. I always tell them that I cry because I have a heart and that apparently, they don’t! When we all used to watch television together and if there happen to be a sad part, they both look at me to see if I had tears in my eyes. I. Always. Did. My son used to automatically hand me the tissues when something sad was about to happen. You know, when the sappy music starts. I think that’s what gets me. The music.


Anyway, for some reason, I really feel like I am struggling right now. How I am struggling, I am not even sure. I feel overwhelmed, anxious. But not exactly sure why. All I know is that it’s not a good feeling. Why? Because when I feel overwhelmed or too anxious, I tend to shut down. I tend to sleep…a lot. I tend to eat…like crap. I tend to get crabby…REALLY crabby. I tend to shop…even though I have ZERO dollars. ZERO! I tend to get lazy…UBER lazy. I let everything go. And that’s so not good.

I am sure if you were to ask my husband, my son or anyone else who’s been around me lately, they would agree. Just call me Miss Crabby Pants.

So, I did some thinking last night as I was walking around Target. The picture below reminds me of those segments on Sesame Street, “One of these things is not like the other…”

target basket

Yes, I bought that ice cream. And yes, I ate it when I got home. And yes, it did make me feel better…for about five seconds! Oh well!


Okay, so let’s try to get to the heart of the matter. WHAT I am feeling overwhelmed about, anxious about?

In no particular order:

Group Fitness Instructor Certification

This Saturday, March 28, I am going for my certification to become a group fitness instructor. That scares me. Here have been SOME of the things swirling around in my brain: Am I going to be good enough? Can I really do this? Am I going to pass the test? Am I actually fit enough? Strong enough? Smart enough? Organized enough? Can I really motivate others to exercise? What will the training be like? Will I be able to do it? Can I really handle it? Am I too old (okay, I know this is a stupid thing to think, but I AM almost 43!)? If I do pass and become an instructor, will I actually have classes to teach? Will there be a spot for me? Will people come to MY classes? Am I going to make any money? Is it going to be worth it? UGH!!!!! Yes, I know, my brain needs to shut off.

I will admit, the studying was hard. There was a lot that I had to learn and I am not the smartest. Trust me on that one. I always struggled in school and some of the stuff in the book was hard…human anatomy, kinesiology, etc. I read and then reread and truthfully, much of it was over my head. I couldn’t even pronounce many of the words in some of the chapters! And I can’t remember stuff worth a dang. UGH! Seriously, it was tough. And because it was tough and I felt overwhelmed, I shut down. I procrastinated. I felt like giving up. I kind of did give up.

And yes, I know I shouldn’t have. I am going to use the next few days to finish up studying and go over the stuff again…and again…again.

studying

Running/exercising of any kind

Am I really feeling overwhelmed about running and exercising? Yes, as a matter of fact, I am. Why, you might ask. Well, in about six weeks, I will be running my first half-marathon of the season. Not my FIRST half-marathon, but first this year. And…I haven’t trained. Well, I mean I haven’t followed a training schedule like I did the past three half-marathons. I’ve just kind of been winging it. And by winging it, I haven’t been doing nearly as much running or even that much cross-training as I should have been doing. In the running department, I hardly put on any miles. In January, I ran a total of 15 days for only 55 miles. In February, I only ran 12 days for a total of 41 miles. And this month, ummmmm, I am only at seven days and 38 miles. I realize I have to keep in mind that in February, as well as now this month, my asthma kicked my butt and I wasn’t able to run as much. But…..then again, I’ve also been lazy. REALLY LAZY! Instead of getting my butt outside for a run in the afternoons like I should, I have sunk my butt on the couch and taken naps instead. UGH!!!! Stupid, stupid, stupid. I love running and working out, don’t get me wrong, but sometimes, I am just not motivated to do it. And, the stupid weather hasn’t helped. I was so pumped for those few nice days we had. I was excited, energized, happy.

Then, reality set in. Meaning, winter came back. The cold. The wind. The clouds. No sunshine. The stupid-a$$ weather that I hate. The stupid weather that makes me cranky. REALLY cranky. Depressed, almost. But, I will get back into it. I have to. I have a half-marathon coming up in about six weeks. YIKES! SIX-WEEKS! I can do this, right?

Money

Not going to say much about this other than in the last four years, my income has nearly dropped in half. Yep. DROPPED. In. Half. Decreased. As in I make less now than I did in 2010. Every single year, my income has taken a steady decline. I don’t think that’s how it’s supposed to work, is it? Money has been my biggest issue and I guess, maybe, why I am feeling so ungodly overwhelmed. But, that’s not your issue. It’s mine and I am working to rectify it. So, if any of you just happen to have a few bucks lying around, feel free to donate to me! Lol! It honestly just felt good just to get that off my chest. Now, if only I could grow one of them their money trees.

Other stuff

So, my son moved out. Well, half moved out (that’s another story and maybe, just maybe a cause for some of my anxiety!). Funny part is, I wasn’t sad when he told me. And that actually made me sad. He was real nervous telling us and when he finally said it, I think my first word was, “When?!?!” And I said it with way too much enthusiasm. I told him after that I was sorry I sounded so excited, but that I thought him moving out was going to be the best thing for him. You see, my son is nearly 22-years-old. He’s a good kid. A really good kid. Not very responsible (at home, at least) sometimes, but nonetheless, a great kid. He’s worked at the same place for the past five years, so he’s responsible that way. But there is just room for some improvement.

brandon at the laundromat

When Brandon turned 18, I stopped doing his laundry. I taught him how to do it himself and he’s been “responsible” for it ever since. Well, ever since, there has been piles of laundry in our downstairs because he never takes the time to really do his laundry. He’ll do a load here and there, but he never really gets it all done. Ever.

So, this is why I said he “half” moved out. For about two weeks, he slept and ate at his new place, but got ready at home because that is where his clothes were. He didn’t want to take the time to do his laundry or move his dresser and stuff over to his new place, so he was just going back and forth. This made me a little anxious and for some reason overwhelmed or something. Not really sure why.

I guess it’s because if he was gonna move out, I wanted him to just move out. As much as I was happy for him to move, it’s still emotional. He is my baby, you know. Him still coming and going like normal didn’t make it feel final. I guess maybe if the apron strings were going to be cut, I just wanted them cut all the way, not just half or partially cut. You know what I mean? No? Me, neither. It’s hard to describe my feelings on this.

Well, the other day, he decided to get the rest of his stuff moved. He moved his dressers and what clean clothes he had. All that was left was all his dirty laundry. So, I took him to the laundromat so he could get it all done at one time. Bam! It went well. For the most part! Brandon did find out that our laundromat was not a 24-hour facility! That made for a great story. But one he’ll have to tell!

So, he is now moved out. I guess it’s final. And now, I am not exactly sure how I feel about it.

I guess if I am confessing, I will let you know I drove past his new place (he moved in with a buddy in an apartment in the town we live in) the other day and yep, you guessed it, the tears started falling. I guess I wasn’t as happy about him moving as I thought. I guess it does make me sad after all! And after all, he is my one and only! My baby. Always will be.


 

There are a few other things going on (like my stupid emotional eating habits!), but I have rambled on enough. Let’s just say, my head (my brain) just keeps spinning and spinning and there’s not a lot of sleep going on.

I know everything will be fine. I know everything will work out the way it’s supposed to. It always does. I know I will be fine. My husband keeps reassuring me of that. Which, by the way, I am so thankful I have him in my life. He is my rock. My foundation. My everything. He keeps me grounded. Not so sure where I would be without him. So, a big thank you to him for everything and also, for sticking with me the last 11 years. Yes, we have been together for a total of 11 years – we started dating on March 18!

Now that I have burdened you all with my sorrows and the “whoa is me” post, I will leave you with this, a sign that yes, everything WILL be all right:

sunrise

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13 thoughts on “Struggling…

  1. I think the beginning of your blog answered one of the big questions you’re facing. You’re emotional, you care about others, you want to make things better for others. That alone tells me you’re going to be a great instructor. Plus, it sounds to me like you’re not in it for the money anyway, it’s want you’d love to do. I know you inspire me, and if I lived nearby I love love to have an instructor who cares like you do.

    So, relax, breathe deep, and don’t push too hard on the studying. You’ll be fine, you cram too much and it can become a mess. with the races you’ve run so far this year, you’ll be fine for the half. Just keep training and try not to beat yourself up.

    And a little ice cream is ok once and a while 😉

    Travis

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    1. Ahhhh, Travis! Thank you. I really appreciate your comments. They mean a lot. So, I will try my hardest to relax, breathe deep and not push. And I will keep telling myself that I will be fine. It will all work out! THANK YOU!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I can so sympathize with you on the group fitness exam. I felt so fat when I got certified because I was SO STRESSED OUT and I cope the same way you do haha. I am a horrible test taker and you are right, there is a lot you have to know! Good luck! Try to relax, I know it’s hard. You will do fine and everything will be ok I know it. Prayers your way!

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  3. Good luck with your exam! Gosh I had all those thoughts too when taking mine. And I laugh at your upcoming half-I am horrible at training! However you will finish-and be happy. I think it is the change in the weather or being in our 40’s doing this.

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  4. So much of your post resonates with me. I, too, have had a rough few days. Different reasons, but such that I just want to bury my head in the pillows and never emerge. You are strong and are such an inspiration. You’ll get there. I will too, I hope.

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  5. Look at all the support you have! People know you can do this including me. You have chosen a career that you love and you know what that they say about doing something you love ITS NOT WORK IF YOU LOVE IT. And as far as the income goes, money isn’t everything. Easy to say, but life is too short to have that stress. Live within your means and enjoy the time you have to do it. My career with working with the little ones has brought me more happiness than the money it brought in. I remember telling JIM one time , I loved what I was doing so much that I would do it even if they didn’t pay me. Of course that’s not true but satisfaction is so comforting. So go do this, and prove to yourself, I CAN DO THIS AND THIS IS WHAT I WANT TO DO.

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  6. Thanks for your post. I just came to computer because I felt so crappy and to know other people feel the same for no apparent reason does make you feel you aren’t alone. I cry at every single episode of The Middle and Modern Family! Its the whole bittersweet thing for me and being grateful for what you’ve got 🙂

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