Nothing but honest

Okay, since I began this blog, which was back in January of 2009, I have been very open and honest with my readers. Maybe too much. I have shared my weight (yes, the actual number – currently at 140 pounds), my clothing sizes, my eating habits and more. At times, I have been pretty blunt, which I think is great. I have had people comment on how much they love my honesty and my openness because it makes them feel like they are not alone. I am real, to the point and I tell it like it is.

Well, I feel it is time to be a bit more honest about my running.

Yes, I have completed eight 5K races this year and yes, I do have a 10K race coming up next weekend. And yes, I have been honest about my finishing times. However, I haven’t been totally truthful about how running is for me. How it makes me feel. The upcoming 10K race is what made me realize I need to be more honest with not just you, my readers, but with myself. So, to be completely 100 percent honest, I am scared s***less. Really, truly, I am.

I have been thinking a lot about running lately and in all honesty, I am at the point where I think I am going to give it up. Yes, you heard it right. I think I am quitting. Disappointed? I am.

Here’s the thing: I truthfully don’t think my body, my mind, my lungs are cut out for running. I thought I was ready for it. But emotionally, mentally and yes, physically, it’s draining. I am not where I want to be for running and lately, it’s because of my lungs. At our last race, which was last weekend in St. Cloud, I thought I was going to die. Literally.

My lungs have never hurt so much after a race and I didn’t even push myself that hard. My goal was to finish it in 30 minutes and I did it in 32 minutes 19 seconds. I had to walk several times because I just could not catch my breath. I can’t breathe when I run. And I cannot figure out how to do it. I know my time wasn’t bad, it wasn’t. But it is just not where I want to be. And mentally and emotionally, it’s taking a toll. The thing is, I don’t thing my body will let me push it any harder. I don’t think my lungs are made for it. After the St. Cloud race, my lungs were so tight and heavy that I coughed and wheezed for about two hours after. To put it bluntly, it sucked.

If I had the money, which seriously don’t we all wish we had more of, I would love to go to a trainer. And truthfully, to the doctor, as well, so I can figure out if I have exercise-induced asthma or what the heck is going on. I do think with the proper – yes, the proper, training, I probably could become a runner. But I can’t do it on  my own anymore. And I can’t afford to hire a trainer or for that matter, get the proper medication to help me breathe. Yes, I know, I completely sound like I having a pity party for myself. But I am just trying to be truthful.

I don’t think my husband fully understands how much I seriously struggle with running, which doesn’t help matters at all. For him, it is easy, or at least easier than it is for me. He doesn’t get that I can’t breathe. He doesn’t get that my lungs feel like they are going to collapse. He doesn’t get that I have this pain in my back/left side that stabs every time I take a step. He used to be a runner and for him to just get out there and run, it is easy. Or at least he makes it seem easy. I could run five days a week and he could run one and then we could race and he wouldn’t struggle in the least. And because I am being completely honest here, emotionally and mentally, it sucks. I wish it didn’t. I truly, truly do.

So, until the 10K next week, I am going to try my best and just keep putting one foot in front of the other. I am going to try not to think about anything else but myself. I am going to just simply try my best. That is all I have. It’s all I got.

Whew, I got that all off my chest now. Maybe now I can breathe when I run!

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7 thoughts on “Nothing but honest

  1. There’s no shame in being honest. I admire your intentions and determination to meet all of your goals, but I think that your health has to be put first.

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  2. There’s no fault in giving up something that does not feel right for you. At least you can say you tried. I have been dieting and exercising but running is not one of those things I would consider doing at this point in my life.

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  3. Running is a great way to stay in shape, but there are other ways, as you know, and you’ve tried many of them. I wish you luck finding the right thing that works best for you. We all have to keep on trying until we find something that we enjoy, and it sounds like your runs haven’t been all that pleasant recently! I remember one of your posts a while back when you and your husband were staying with some friends. You got up early while everyone else was sleeping and went for a run. You said you felt great! That’s the way it should be most of the time If that’s no longer the case, you need to consider other exercise instead. We both know how important exercise is in maintaining a healthy weight! Good luck, I’m cheering for you no matter what you do!

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  4. The fact that you coughed and wheezed after you ran really really sounds like asthma. If you can see a doctor and this is what you have, you will see a HUGE difference in the outcome with medication (inhaler). I also recall you having seriously enjoyed running in the past, so although you are throwing in the towel now, just remember that you can enjoy it, you just have to have the proper equipment (inhaler, if that’s the case).

    The first time I used my inhaler after I was diagnosed with EIA at 38 years old, it was immediately easier to run. It had literally felt like I had previously had a long-haired cat stuff down my windpipe and the inhaler changed that completely. But, without going to the doctor, I had NO idea this is what was wrong. I just thought I was out of shape! Nope, just couldn’t breathe! Once you can breathe you will see what a difference it makes. Imagine how much conditioning you have as a base now….

    Anyway, I don’t want to be the only naysayer against you giving up running, but just know it could be a very simple issue.

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  5. I cannot run either. I do work out with a trainer and she does not push me to run she just tries to help me get stronger and do other things that I am capable of and don’t feel defeated by. It is okay that you don’t want to run anymore, just find another activity to take its place. I do a lot of walk/jogging instead of just running.

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