Okay, since I began this blog, which was back in January of 2009, I have been very open and honest with my readers. Maybe too much. I have shared my weight (yes, the actual number – currently at 140 pounds), my clothing sizes, my eating habits and more. At times, I have been pretty blunt, which I think is great. I have had people comment on how much they love my honesty and my openness because it makes them feel like they are not alone. I am real, to the point and I tell it like it is.
Well, I feel it is time to be a bit more honest about my running.
Yes, I have completed eight 5K races this year and yes, I do have a 10K race coming up next weekend. And yes, I have been honest about my finishing times. However, I haven’t been totally truthful about how running is for me. How it makes me feel. The upcoming 10K race is what made me realize I need to be more honest with not just you, my readers, but with myself. So, to be completely 100 percent honest, I am scared s***less. Really, truly, I am.
I have been thinking a lot about running lately and in all honesty, I am at the point where I think I am going to give it up. Yes, you heard it right. I think I am quitting. Disappointed? I am.
Here’s the thing: I truthfully don’t think my body, my mind, my lungs are cut out for running. I thought I was ready for it. But emotionally, mentally and yes, physically, it’s draining. I am not where I want to be for running and lately, it’s because of my lungs. At our last race, which was last weekend in St. Cloud, I thought I was going to die. Literally.
My lungs have never hurt so much after a race and I didn’t even push myself that hard. My goal was to finish it in 30 minutes and I did it in 32 minutes 19 seconds. I had to walk several times because I just could not catch my breath. I can’t breathe when I run. And I cannot figure out how to do it. I know my time wasn’t bad, it wasn’t. But it is just not where I want to be. And mentally and emotionally, it’s taking a toll. The thing is, I don’t thing my body will let me push it any harder. I don’t think my lungs are made for it.Â After the St. Cloud race, my lungs were so tight and heavy that I coughed and wheezed for about two hours after. To put it bluntly, it sucked.
If I had the money, which seriously don’t we all wish we had more of, I would love to go to a trainer. And truthfully, to the doctor, as well, so I can figure out if I have exercise-induced asthma or what the heck is going on. I do think with the proper – yes, the proper, training, I probably could become a runner. But I can’t do it on Â my own anymore. And I can’t afford to hire a trainer or for that matter, get the proper medication to help me breathe. Yes, I know, I completely sound like I having a pity party for myself. But I am just trying to be truthful.
I don’t think my husband fully understands how much I seriously struggle with running, which doesn’t help matters at all. For him, it is easy, or at least easier than it is for me. He doesn’t get that I can’t breathe. He doesn’t get that my lungs feel like they are going to collapse. He doesn’t get that I have this pain in my back/left side that stabs every time I take a step. He used to be a runner and for him to just get out there and run, it is easy. Or at least he makes it seem easy. I could run five days a week and he could run one and then we could race and he wouldn’t struggle in the least. And because I am being completely honest here, emotionally and mentally, it sucks. I wish it didn’t. I truly, truly do.
So, until the 10K next week, I am going to try my best and just keep putting one foot in front of the other. I am going to try not to think about anything else but myself. I am going to just simply try my best. That is all I have. It’s all I got.
Whew, I got that all off my chest now. Maybe now I can breathe when I run!